The Origins of Attachment

by Kim Barthel and Bob Spensley

We are all wired for connection. Neurobiologically, physiologically, we are driven towards safety in relationship regardless of the context we find ourselves in. The study of Attachment Theory spans over 70 years and seeks to understand the rationale for some of the curious behaviour patterns we display in relationships throughout our lifespan, especially when we are under significant stress. In our newly revised online workshop “Becoming a Behavioural Detective”, we strive to look at all the factors that may influence complex behaviour. Within BABD, we aim to instill a combination of curiosity and compassion rather than the judgement that can come all too naturally through our reactions. Understanding why people do what they do is a life-long pursuit, and it starts with understanding attachment: the key interpersonal strategies we learn when we are just beginning our lives. How we responded to our key caregivers were adaptations to how they were first able to attune to us. Our behaviours (whether appreciated or not) always serve a purpose, in attempt to be cared for and to belong.

Historically, the basics of attachment theory as developed by John Bowlby and enhanced by Mary Ainsworth, Mary Main and Patricia Crittenden have brought to our understanding the impacts of early caregiving as the foundation for resilience, social & emotional intelligence, and mental health well-being. Additionally, the field of Interpersonal Neurobiology offers grounded science to explain the behaviours observed when individuals thrive in secure, nurturing environments as opposed to when individuals struggle as a result of insecure and adverse early childhood experiences. Daniel Siegel, Allan Schore, Bruce Perry and Stephen Porges, among others, are enhancing our knowledge of the specific neural mechanisms that evolve through security and degenerate under conditions of adversity. When a caregiver is able to put their mind in the mind of their child, the child’s brain lights up neurologically - creating the foundation for self-regulation, emotional intelligence and higher-level executive functions. When a caregiver who is doing the best with what they have struggles with their own history of adversity or current challenges and is preoccupied, angry or threatening, their child’s developing brain is required to adapt. Attachment Theory describes the self-protective strategies that elicit neural pathways that orient the brain towards managing stress and surviving rather than being able to focus on thriving. As a simplified generalization of the two insecure adaptive self-protective strategies that manage interpersonal anxiety, we can learn either to avoid closeness because we feel relationships are threatening (A Strategy), or we can learn to constantly seek closeness to alleviate our heightened fear of rejection (C Strategy). Each of these insecure strategies are on a continuum from being on the edge of socially acceptable to being highly socially unacceptable and potentially dangerous. In accordance with a person’s lived experiences with their key caregivers, their early interactions shape the foundational hardwiring of their brain, setting the stage for anticipating and managing future relationships. 

Why this is important is because even understanding the basics helps us to respond to “difficult" behaviour with consciousness rather than reacting to others in dismissiveness or anger. When we stop to pause at another’s challenging behaviour in curiosity, even for a moment, we contribute to creating a less judgemental and divisive community. Any one of us may be using our default adaptive relational strategies when we’re highly stressed. I try to remind myself often that everyone is doing the best they can with what they’ve got.

And, thankfully, the brain is changeable. We as a species are capable of evolving beyond our earliest foundations. Nurtured with attuned and secure attachment at any stage of our lives, we are able to evolve both in our brain and in our behaviour.